Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Fairisle Love

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal desires are discussed in this blog post. Though the post is about healing, please do not read further if this will trigger you.

Depression is an illness of contradictions. That's one of the many things that makes it hard to understand and even harder to live with. I was struck by this as I ran my errands today. I was listening to the Afternoon Drama on Radio 4, which was called "477 Days." It dealt with the devastation left behind by people who just leave one day and never return. They leave behind them a hole in the families they were once a part of. This feeling of loss was compounded by the front page of today's Metro about a young girl who had committed suicide. 

All this made me think about the desires that sit inside me. When I get frightened, I can feel trapped and this overwhelming desire to run. To run and run until I stop running. Run and never come back. I have vague notions of starting a new life in some small Scottish fishing town where no one knows me. But mostly I think about running. The contradiction is that I hate running and more than that, when I'm frightened what I really crave is safety, a hug, someone to anchor myself too. But still as I crave a hug, my feet itch to run. 

This can be really hard to live through but it is equally difficult to watch and cope with for those people who love me. I push you away but secretly I still want you to hug me. You don't realise that I was testing you to see if you would keep me safe. 477 Days made me think more about those people around me. Some people say that depression is a selfish disease and that suicide is a selfish action. I think such opinions are misguided because from my own personal experience, in those low moments, you truly believe that you would be doing everyone a service in not existing. You genuinely believe that life would be better for everyone without you. You see suicide as a selfless option. But this is another contradiction of the illness. It's a lie of the illness. Though the agony of being alive is so all-consuming, we must not forget the grief of those we would leave behind. 477 Days was made up of the voices of those who are left behind, a voice I had not heard before but a voice that needs to be heard. Those voices will help me stay when all I want to do is run. 

If any of these issues affected you, please feel free to contact me. If you do feel unsafe, please ring the Samaritans on 08457909090.

And now to the fashion! Fairisle is one of those gorgeous patterns that just evokes all the loveliness of Winter. The crisp frosty mornings, sitting in front of a fire, warming soups and snuggly jumpers. This lovely grey jumper from Primark is a Winter staple that can be dressed up or down. I wore mine with a festive red skirt that brightened up the knit and gave it a post-Christmas feel!

Coat: Zara
Jumper: Primark
Skirt: New Look (in sale)
Mittens: Jack Wills (in sale)
Scarf: Primark
Flat Cap: The Bloke


  1. Hi Emily. I found your blog though tumblr. I just read this post and am completely struck by it. I have suffered with depression, on and off, for over 15 years now. Whilst I have managed to internally deal with the disease, and am always wiling to discuss it, I have a hard time processing and expressing how it affects me. Your post has put into words a lot of the feeling s I have, with regards to wanting to run, to start a new life, but actually wanting those around us to grip us tighter. I am going to look up 477 days now. Thank you for reaching through my fog and giving me something concrete to grasp and understand.
    p.s. I love the outfit. I am a huge fair isle fan (it is how I found you). If you wish, you can find me on tumblr at the-tweed-fox. All the best, Chris.

  2. Hi Chris,
    Thank you so much for your kind words, it's means a lot to me. I'm pleased that my blog helped put your depression into words. That's what I'm trying to do with this blog, other than talking about fashion, to try and put depression into words. I think so often we trap ourselves in silence because it is so difficult to explain the pain we're in and we're so sure people don't want to listen. I hope that my blog will help a little in this way. Plus, I really want to let people know about the healing power of fashion!
    P.S. I LOVE your tumblr. Your ootds are super snazzy!
    Best, Emily